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Hey everybody, grab your dancin' shoes
It's goin' down and there's no time to lose
You've got a chance to win some tights and cigars
They're better prizes than in Rockbusters
The lights are flashin' to Colin's beat
If you take a business card, please give it back to me
Who is this mystery man, this "Dazzling Darren"?
It's Pilkie makin' music again
If your girlfriend's got a haircut like Dave Hill from Slade
A hundred pack of condoms will get you laid
Once you start the loving', don't ever stop
Even if the fire department starts to knock
When he's havin' it away you can't intervene
Faster than a Serbian sex machine
The diesel-soaked mattress is rockin' again
'Cause Pilkie's gettin' busy in bed
At the kitchen sink, lookin' out the window
At all the characters across the road
The woman reading the same book and
The Chinese lad dancin' in his underpants
The bouncer's gettin' on his black clothes and shoes
KP dropped his trousers for the woman who's nude
He could do it without thumbs, he's so talented
'Cause Pilkie's washin' dishes again
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2. |
Manchester
03:17
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Back in the Manchester days
Cycling round and round the estate
13th birthday and I’m buying a cake
And some potatoes from Hugh Fays
Hop in the taxi with my dad again
He’s got to pick up Mrs. Potato Head
Put that spaz in a wheelie bin
If he starts to get out of hand
Drive past the old horse in the lounge
Been saving up money from my paper round
To buy a Christmas gift for my mum
A hideous gnome named Victoria Plum
Oh, Manchester--so much to answer for
My sister’s had another baby again
It looks just like all her other kids
Me brother’s moving in on the sergeant’s missus
Everyone on this estate’s got big eyelids
Watching two tellys with Alf and Tattoo Stan
Mancunians are the strangest people in the land
Big head lads with webbed hands
And Miss Piggy pushing around her pram
A magpie is my only friend in this town
It pops my bike tires and pecks my head 'til it’s round
The hair that I’ve got looks like a Chinaman’s
According to the barber on the railway bridge
My boss said “Pilkington, I’m gonna sack you.”
But these trainers I’m wearing are brand new
I’m stuck in a lake behind Cordon Bleu
And there’s nothing I can do.... No, there’s nothing I can do
Oh, Manchester--so much to answer for
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3. |
Auntie Nora
03:11
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Who’s that walkin’ down the street, makin’ that maraca beat?
It’s Auntie Nora, it’s Auntie Nora
Who’s that comin’ down the street, makin’ that maraca beat
It’s Auntie Nora, it’s Auntie Nora
Pills just keep on rattlin’, she’s headed to the doc’s again
You can’t ignore her, it’s Auntie Nora
If you can’t quite hear her yet, maybe you can catch a whiff
It’ll be 5 minutes ‘till that leak’s finished
Back like a bowl of cocoa pops, you’ll never find an auntie who’s better
Please put her face on a t-shirt for me. C’mon Auntie Nora, let’s break that 5-minute record!
Maybe it’s the ice cream tubs full of mashed and frozen grub
From each night’s dinner, givin’ her this wind here
Nora likes to test out new medications for me and you
In her caftan sittin’ about, lettin’ it all air out
Backyard’s got the nicest view, astroturf lookin’ green and new
You can’t ignore her, it’s Auntie Nora
Who’s up for a round of tennis? Oh nevermind, the ball is split
Just hang a valence in front of it. Please Auntie Nora, you’re making us sick
Auntie Nora, it's Auntie Nora
Back like a bowl of cocoa pops, you’ll never find an auntie who’s better
Please put her face on a t-shirt for me. C’mon Auntie Nora, let’s break that 5-minute record!
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4. |
Congress Tart
02:20
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If you're ever in a bind
I'm the one you can turn to
Just say the words
And I'll come to your rescue
Dearest Karl P.
You can count on me
Unlike Ricky, I’d pay
Dearly for your safety
Congress Tart, you’ve got a special place in my heart
Congress Tart, I hope we’re never apart
My school days were filled
With expired pastries
From Hagenbachs bakery
The doctor said that’s the end of me
Congress Tart, you’ve got a special place in my heart
Congress Tart, I hope we’re never apart
Congress Tart, you’ve got a special place in my heart
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5. |
Cheap as Chimps
01:30
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Raising a monkey in a zoo
It ain’t easy to do
It’s hard to get them to do what you say
And they only eat one banana a day
We ain’t no wimps
We’re cheap as chimps
Swinging round the zoo in my favorite tire
Please don’t nick this idea, Donal MacIntyre
Been saving up my hard-earned money
To buy me a brand new chimpanzee
Pricier than a tiger, sloth, or camel
I guess they’re not that cheap after all
We ain’t no wimps
We’re cheap as chimps
Swinging round the zoo is my favorite thing to do
It’s time for some Monkey News
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6. |
KP's Got Some Theories
03:06
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KP’s got some theories
They might not be true
But KP’s got some theories for you
You never see an old man having a Twix
They’re always eating Werther’s to get their fix
What’s good for some is not always good for all
You have to know what will make you feel 10 feet tall
I’m no Latin tattoo specialist, but there’s one thing that I know
It’s that “old cold” is the way to keep stones out of your kidneys
The Chinese don’t age very well
Is he the oldest man alive? It’s tough to tell
Turning like a pear overnight
Between 29 and 50 - there’s not one sight
Get some good wedding photos of your bride if she’s Chinese, take it from me
One day you’ll wake up and see you’re next to a wrinkled old lady
Gays go out too late at night
If Georgie had been home sooner, he’d have been alright
Only starting to get ready when I’m coming in
They're ironing their jeans at half past ten
Why’s the sex shop open, selling all these buttplugs at 8am?
Their customers are in bed, ‘cause it’s clear that they had another late night
KP’s got some theories
They might not be true
But KP’s got some theories for you
KP’s got some theories
They might not be true
But KP looks after me and you
KP’s got some theories
They might not be true
But KP’s got some theories for you
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7. |
Clive Warren
03:02
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Clive Warren! Clive Warren!
Clive Warren! Clive Warren!
Get me Clive Warren on the phone
Rebecca De Mornay can’t be in this alone
Get me somebody whose brain can be sewn
Into the head of his girlfriend so she’ll never be alone
“Action!” Let the filming commence
Let’s make a movie that doesn’t make any sense
Get me an actor who doesn’t exist
Give me a story with a lesbian twist
Clive Warren! Clive Warren!
Clive Warren! Clive Warren!
Get me somebody who everybody knows
Get me somebody who will steal the show
Get me Clive Warren, the king on his throne
Get me Clive Warren or leave me alone
Clive Warren! Clive Warren!
Clive Warren! Clive Warren!
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Hugh Fays Manchester, UK
Hugh Fays is a band making music dedicated to the genius of Karl Pilkington. Hugh Fays is in no way affiliated with Karl Pilkington. We just feel the need to preach the gospel of KP.
